So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
