i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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