$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
