I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
