Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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