4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
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