I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
