I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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