Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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