If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
