Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We need to get me chipped asap
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
