i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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