Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
