I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
