Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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