I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you made out with another girl for some wings
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
