I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
try to milk me bitch
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