the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Don't make out with my wife yet
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
