my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
