god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize