Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
