This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
