so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
