Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
