More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
