Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
