just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
