John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize