Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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