Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
