Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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