Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize