when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
