i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
