so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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