So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
