All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
