first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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