I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
