no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize