she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
