Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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