can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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