You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
