can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
