I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
