how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
