Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize