I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
