One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
