I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize