I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
