I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you had me at cake vodka
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
