On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You need a sexual gate keeper
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize