fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
