woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
